Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
