Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
