They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
