'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
