i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
