Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
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please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
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I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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