First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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