I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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