maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
