I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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