woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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