At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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