when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
