quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.