The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?