I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"