bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You can't special order awesome
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
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i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'