you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
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I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷