i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
