I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
