you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
