I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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