Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
