you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
