What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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