when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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