As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
