We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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