btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
