sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
