You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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