I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
