Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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