Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
