I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
