He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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