So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
