I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
