it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
