i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Damn victory sex feels great
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
