Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
