If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Everyone says I win the strip club
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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