my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
