oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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