I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
