Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
