Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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