Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
