I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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