i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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