In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
