Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
