My sheets look like a crime scene.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
