Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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