So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
