i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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