turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize