ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
