I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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