i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
