I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
