Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
