last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
