That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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