the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
